Mr Know It All – 2/20

Dear Mr Know It All
I’m sick of how my younger and prettier cousin copies the way I dress, down to the last accessory. She makes an effort to ‘match’ what I’m wearing at any and every occasion and I’m really tired of the inevitable comparisons that follow. I’ve told her off many times, but this doesn’t have any effect on her. No matter how secretive I am about my wardrobe (we live in the same house), she finds out what I’m wearing and replicates it. To top it all off, she gets all the attention and praise and people assume that her older, uglier cousin has been ripping her fashion ideas. What should I do?

Look, the sooner you make peace with the fact that pretty girls have it easy, the better you’ll be equipped to handle them. Stupid unfair world, I know, but what can you do? It’s been like this ever since the arrival of the first cave chic who wasn’t as hairy as the rest of them! But this isn’t the only problem here, is it? Yours is a classic case of clashing egos and an annoying little brat who needs to be taught a lesson. I was thinking of something involving duct tape and black permanent ink, but have a strong feeling most of my readers wouldn’t approve of such extreme measures, especially on a kid. So…until your mini-me grows up to realize just how incredibly stupid women who wear matching clothes look, your best bet is your self-confidence and tact. Like maybe fooling her with a fake wardrobe full of trashy, tacky clothes?


Dear Mr Know It All,
What’s the most acceptable form of footwear for a casual Friday? I showed up at my bank one week wearing trainers, and noticed my boss giving my feet a funny look. Any advice?

God created Google because bandwidth, free time and my patience for impersonal questions are all scarce resources that you and I are running out of at a fairly upsetting rate. Use it.

p.s. Are you sure it was a funny, what-the-heck-are-you-wearing look, and not a funny, my-my-can-I-touch-and-see-what-they-feel-like look? Because the latter should make you want to think about switching jobs!


Dear Mr Know It All,
One of my best friends has just gone through a painful divorce, and as a consequence spends a lot of time at my place, hanging out with me, my wife and our young child. Trouble is, I’ve been working a lot lately and feel like he’s been seeing more of my wife and child than I have – he’s often hanging out with them at home when I come back from the office. I’m feeling a little insecure – is he just distracting himself, or is he trying to replace me?

I don’t think there’s much to worry about until your kid—and wife—start calling your friend…umm…”daddy!” Until that happens and you feel the need to write to me again, just sit back and relax. The poor guy’s probably just missing his family and using yours as a steppingstone to reclamation. Be supportive and give him a little time to get back on his feet. This doesn’t mean that his spending time at your place in your absence is perfectly normal though. Especially if he’s better looking than you…and deep inside you know that the divorce wasn’t entirely his ex’s fault. In which case you should’ve dumped him like yesterday instead of wasting your time writing to me. Go now…Go! Go! Go!


Dear Mr Know It All,
My husband of ten years has recently started comparing me – unfavourably – to his friends’ wives and even to my own girlfriends. I get to hear all about their wonderful style, fab bodies and perfect children and the subtext is that I’m falling short on all these measures. On the other hand, I feel resentful because my hubby’s ‘budgeting’ and constant financial woes mean that I am consistently compromising on my appearance just to be able to make ends meet. I’ve tried to laugh off the comparisons but they really hurt me. How do I tell him to stop without sounding petty?

You see, men are insatiable animals who simply do not have it in them to be completely happy with what they’ve got—ever! If you don’t believe me, ask Hugh Hefner or the Indian guy who recently made it to the news because of his 90-something wives. Not surprisingly, your husband seems to fit the mold perfectly. But the million dollar question here is not whether the father of your imperfect children is a heartless fool or not, but whether you’re absolutely sure you can hit him with full blame for this one!? I mean, sure it’s a malicious thing to make your wife feel inadequate by comparing her to her own friends, but the truth is, most women bring it upon themselves  when they start ignoring their man’s innate need for an attractive partner. In your case, a ten year marriage is certainly not long enough for you to stop using makeup, grow a moustache and become at one with your belly flab! Depend more on your creativity than the bank balance to keep him interested, because as you probably already know, the world is full of younger, prettier women your man would continue to be wooed by…until you give him a little something to think about!